He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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