My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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