The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
