And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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