hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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