He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
