On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
