Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
