I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
