I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
