So drunk its hurt
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
