Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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