I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
