mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
