Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
