Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
