if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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