It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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