he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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