I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
