I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
