She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
