you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
