well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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