So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
