Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
