Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
