took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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