He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
