so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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