When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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