I'm gonna have a badass scar
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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