put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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