We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
