you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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