ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
