If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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