are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
