Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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