There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
