there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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