dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
NoShamevember. You game?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
