Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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