Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
