I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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