dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
