Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
