thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
