my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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