Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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