Swine flu is the new snow day.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
